Grieving a dissolved marriage, a writer seeks peace and compassion at a meditation retreat in California.
Illustration by Owen Gent
As I sat cross-legged on a red cushion, tears ran down my cheeks.
The afternoon sun poured through large picture windows, warming the right side of my body.
Credit:Illustration by Owen Gent
The rise and fall of my chest was heavy with the dull ache of a broken heart.
This is what grief feels like, I thought.
I arrived on a Saturday afternoon last fall.
We exchanged stories as we made up our single beds in crisp white sheets and quilted blue comforters.
She, too, was going through a difficult separation.
There were about 75 people in the group, most of us Americans, like me.
The teachers took turns walking us through the week.
Each day would consist ofmeditations, silent walks, communal meals, house chores, and Buddhist teachings.
The aim was to quiet the mind and cultivate compassion for ourselves and others.
After a light dinner and a short meditation session, we spent the rest of the night settling in.
Around 10, I slipped into bed and drifted off to sleep.
The morning gong struck at 6 oclock sharp.
My roommate and I took turns brushing our teeth at the small sink.
The cool air snapped me awake as I walked outside toward the meditation hall.
Each sparked a jolt of joy.
The days sitting meditations were a mixed bag.
At other points I felt crushed by sadness.
I practiced sitting with the grief and not judging myself for it.
The more detached I became from the narratives swirling in my mind, the more peace I found.
It felt luxurious to have so much time in silence.
Mealtimes in the dining hall, by comparison, were a feast for the senses.
We sat in silence, shoulder-to-shoulder, focused on the primal acts of smelling, tasting, and chewing.
Having the same routine created a daily cadence blissfully free of decision making.
It was an arduous uphill trek.
My heart was still heavy, and I could still feel the sting of a lost love.
But seven days of silence and meditation reminded me that my feelings were not something to bury or overcome.
Seven-night retreat at theSpirit Rock Meditation Centerfrom $1,680, all-inclusive.
